Looking Forward to 2012

 me at the end of 2011

 

As every year I have high hopes for the new year to come, big reams, goals and resolutions are made and not always fulfilled. I did fulfill a lot of the things I had outlined for 2011 but the ones that fell flat all revolved around me.  I didn't take the time to reflect and work  on me, and because of that I didn't go forward with any of my personal goals of finding a new career or selling any of my creations.

 

I am grateful for all the lessons 2011 brought me, I am grateful for all my friends an family. It was a quiet but busy year. It didn't turn out the way I envisioned it but it was a good year none the less. 

 

This year instead of doing resolutions, I am dedicating a theme for the year. I will have a whole year to work on it and there isn't a check list to check off. Anything I accomplish puts me that much closer to finding out who I am right now, at this stage of life. My theme for 2012 is me. I need to take time to reflect on how I've changed and grown over the last 7 years of being a mother, I need to reflect on how my relationship with Rock has changed and grown and how I can make things better. I need to reflect on my role as a mother now that my children are growing up and we are leaving the baby stages behind for the last time. I need to figure out why I have this fear of putting myself out there and making something of myself. Instead I marinate miserably at my job when I have talents and potential.  I feel like I'm just coasting right now.

 

I'm feeling more reflective today because it's the one year anniversary of my MIL's funeral and it's making me realize I didn't make enough changes this past year to make the most of my life.  This holiday season a few of my friends have lost their loved ones as well. This is making me reflect on my life even more. One of them was a young mother of 3 young children.  I keep thinking what if it was me? I don't think I've done enough to make the most of the life I have.  I need to make the most of it, I need to make changes to benefit all of us, life is so short and precious.

 

2011 I supported Rock through his journey, I watched the children while he goes works out and attends meetings that help him change both physically and emotionally. I  supported him through the loss of essentially a person, he has lost over 150 lbs since March and still going strong.

 

2012 will be my year, I hope to get back on the health kick I was on before I gave up on myself because I felt like my body failed me again when I did the triathlon relay. I am so mad at myself for not being able to finish the race and having to be pulled out of the water. I will start the year out right, change my diet and get back into the gym.  I will focus back on getting healthy as opposed to training for an event. I think that doing that took the fun out of it for me. It also brought up memories of my body failing me in the past. 

 

So see the theme is me, I have a lot of work to do on a lot of fronts to make myself a better person. I can't wait to see what this next year will bring.

 

Wishing everyone a Happy New Year may 2012 bring forth new hope. I hope that 2012 is filled with lots of love, laughter, prosperity, family, friends, health and happiness. 

Ania

Me at the end of 2010

Who do I think I am?

 

Past

Present

I've been fighting a battle with myself for a number of years.  I have yet to forgive myself for giving up  all those years ago when I got injured when swimming and I was told that if it got worse I would need to have my shoulder operated on.  I though rationally about it and thought, I'm not a world class athlete so it's better to stop and have full function then to continue and risk a major injury.


 You'd think when I made this rational decision all those years ago, I would be ok with it. Sadly I am not, I abused my body for years, smoking, eating and not exercising.  I still am beating myself up over it.


When I decided to try the triathlon relay this month it brought up these emotions and now my race partner is trying to get me to try the try it triathlon next year.  And here I am thinking I can do it. If I couldn't make it as an athlete when I was young and in shape what makes me think I can do it now?  I mean I am out of shape and much older now. Who am I kidding?


However my friend, being the great friend that she is, won't give up on me and works on me every day to do the race with her. This morning I went to the YMCA and tried to bike 10 km that I would have to do in the race.  I managed to finish it in 28.15 minutes, and then thinking I should recreate the race environment I went on the track to do some laps. I did 6 laps (5 laps = 1 km) and one of those was jogging. My asthma acted up during that jog but I did it (even if my legs felt like jello). I still have a lot more work to do but I'm starting.


Today at work I was talking to my co-workers who are also personal trainers and while they agreed with my friend that I don't need to complete the distance on the first day of training they also said some things that are leading me closer to forgiving myself. That and some comments on my facebook wall.   These 2 guys who work out for a living said that what I was doing was hardcore and they couldn't do it, especially since I do have injuries and am trying. 


Maybe I don't need to beat myself up, maybe just the act of training is enough, it is getting me to my goal of being healthier. So what if I don't finish first (even though I really want to), at least I'm getting off my butt and trying and that is more then most people can say. 


I'm not saying I have forgiven myself yet but I am well on my way. I'm also on my way of becoming on of those healthy people you hear about. 


Thanks for stopping by,


Ania

Eating Humble Pie

After Saturday's race I had to eat a very big slice of humble pie.  I am very disappointed in myself  for not finishing the race. I assumed that with my swim background that it would be easy. My first time back in the pool after not swimming in 2 years I did the 750m in  20 minutes, over the months of training I got it down to 13 minutes.   It should be easy, after I did the once swim in the lake at the cottage I was a bit worried, swimming in the lake was very different then swimming in the pool.


I know I made mistakes, from not training in the conditions I was going to swim in, to never swimming in a wetsuit (first time I had it on was for the race), to not getting there early enough to warm up. We got there late and were running around to get registered, changed an in the water. Lots of lessons learned.


I was moaping all morning because I was/am upset with myself over not finishing.  It's like writing that essay, putting in all that hard work and not saving it before you shut down. All that hard work and nothing to show. My team mate told me to go out and do the swim so at least I could say I did it. I reluctantly went out and did it.  I had another attack so I know the cold water and I don't mix (which makes sense because if I try and run  in cold air I get an asthma attack). I learned a lot of lessons from Saturday.


Apparently I have been told that  we're doing the race again next year and my goal is to make it to the next buoy. Need to have attainable goals. All kidding aside, we are going to try again next year and I will do more training in a wet suit out in a lake. 1) to condition myself to the cold water and 2) get over my fear of lakes.


Here's to finishing the race next year.


Thanks for stopping by. Please leave a comment and let me know what you think.


Ania

I never finished

Today was race day,  a day I trained for for months.

A day that help so much hope. I spent a few months prepaaring for the race and I never completed the race. I was 150m into the race when I caught a wave and the cold water triggered an asthma attack. I never finsihed the race. I tried again in the afternoon  on my own and made it over 500m before I had another asthma attack.  The cold water and I don't mix. I will post more thoughts on this tomorrow but thought I would update my results.

Ania

Race Day

Today is the day I have been training for all summer. It seemed so far away when we chose this race date and now it's already here. I had hoped to write out a ore elaborate post last night about how I"m feeling about all this but instead we get a quickly written post race day morning before I run out the door.


I'm feeling rather nervous about the race, it's been a long time since I've done this and never in a lake. I've trained all summer for this so I have no excuse.


We're up early because it's an 1 1/2 hour drive to the race site. We have to be there early to register and our wave begins at 8:46.


I hope that in a few hours I could come back with triumphant news that we won. But my goal is to finish strong.


Ania

Progress

 This morning was my morning to go and train for my swim. I had everything ready so in the morning I would just get up and go. I guess I was being  optimistic given the last few nights but the race is fast approaching and I still would like to bring my time down. I went to bed early last night because I was just beat but I asked Rock to wake me early in the morning. This morning he tried but Tutu was still nursing and fussing (like he had been all night) so Rock told me to stay home try and catch a bit more sleep because he is more important.  I guess he is right but I did want to go train.


I haven't share my numbers for a while, since I started this in May my weight has gone up and down but right now my grand total is 5lbs. Not that great BUT I have gone down 2 sizes, my "skinny" clothes are too big. So the more important thing is going down. My goal from the get go was to get healthier, and yes losing weight is important but because I'm building muscle that sometimes cancels each other out. Shaving inches from my waist is more important.


My time last week was 13 minutes for the 750m. I would like to get that down to 10 minutes but I have shaved 7 minutes off my starting time 2 months ago.  I *think* my race time would be faster given that my competitive nature would kick in plus my adrenaline but then I need to take into consideration the open water. so we won't know until the race.

This is me before I started to train.

And this is me recently.  Things are tighter and there is more definition. An improvement if not a great one.

It's nice to be able to wear clothes that have been hiding for a while in the back of my closet because they were tight. After having 3 kids my body has changed, while with each kid I lost more weight, the weight was distributed differently so my clothes didn't fit the same way. This is helping me combat that.  And while I know I will never be able to get rid of my tummy (even when I trained 6 days a week when I swam competitively I still had it) at least I can make it smaller and redistribute my weight.


And I've been eating healthy snacks at night when I'm feeling peckish. Slowly, slowly things are getting better.


Ania

I did it

I'm excited a month ago I posted the finished version of this skirt I upcycled. I was going to give it away because I cut it too slim and it didn't fit me properly.  I tried it on last night and not only did it fit but I actually needed to make the elastic smaller. I wore it to work today and got lots of compliments. One co-worker told me that the pictures I had posted on my blog didn't do the skirt justice that all the little details like the sequins on the skirt didn't show up.

 On a side note I trained again this morning. I did the 750m in 14 minutes so my time is starting to go back down. Yeah me. And after stalling for a few weeks my weight went down 4lbs as well.  All good things.

Now there is 37 days left until the race and I am getting nervous. It's not the distance, cuz I know I can rock it. It's not the competing because I use to do that. What is making me nervous in swimming in the lake, all the waves, the groups of people swimming all at once.  I will get over this, hopefully. I still have 37 more days to work on this. I can do it. I can do it.

Ania

A day at the Cottage

The cottage and the view from the cottage

Yesterday we drove up to Rock's grandparent's cottage. We got up early in the morning so we could spent the whole day there. We hadn't been up in almost 2 years. The girls didn't go to bed until really late because they were so excited to be going up and were making plans of everything they wanted to do. Their plan was to swim in the lake, go fishing, play around, go for a walk to pick flowers so mommy could make a flower crown, get ice cream at the Kwartha Dairy have a BBQ. Grand plans and they almost did it all.

I also had a chance to play with my camera and got some nice shots of them enjoying all this. I also did my first open water practice swim. Wow, it's so much harder then I expected it. The water was so wavy it was hard to keep from getting it in my mouth (it was also colder then I would like). I swam beside a canoe so in case anything happened there was help near by. Rock told me I was being chicken but in my thirties I realize what can happen if something goes wrong and I have 3 little children who need me. Even though I can swim the distance anything can happen, including boats driving by and not spotting you. I did the swim in a decent time (didn't time it as still am not 100% sure of the distance I swam) but even as a seasoned swimmer it got the best of me. I will tell you prefer the civilized environment of the pool over the open lake water.

Our cottage trip in pictures

Rock taking Tutu for a walk so he can nap

The girls enjoying a boat ride on the lake

A silly string fight with their cousins

Some cute pics of the kids playing

Tutu got into the dip

We went for a walk and picked some wild daisies and I made a flower crown for the girls. I never had a chance to finish the second one so the girls shared the one.

Muffin looking all grown up.

Monkey playing around

Monkey blowing bubbles for Tutu

And lastly Tutu met a dog name Biscuit, he really liked him.

We all had an AMAZING day, it was great to visit with Rock's Aunt and Uncle and see many of his second cousins. The kids LOVED every moment of the day, from the playing, to eating ice cream for lunch, swimming in the lake and flying a kite and getting it stuck in a tree.

On the way home Muffin was translating Tutu's babble for us and we were informed that he was saying he wanted to go back to the cottage. Apparently he was saying that today as well. The girls kept talking about all the fun they had until Muffin passed out about 10 minutes into the drive home. At one point she woke up crying and was asking for water. We offered her some but she clarified she wanted to go back and swim in the lake. Looks like we need to make more trips up.

Training Tuesday

This morning even though I wasn't feeling well I got up out of bed and hit the pool. The last 2 days I've had a sore throat but since I only got 1 workout in last week (I did 300m on Thursday and had to get out my head was killing me from a migraine) I felt I needed to go today. Surprisingly I did well I did the 750m in 13 minutes, so I shaved off 2 minutes. I was able to do the whole distance in freestyle. In the past when I would get tired I would do breast stroke as a break. I'm glad I was able to get to this point quickly, I only wish it was the same way for my time (I like instant gratification). My total workout was 1400m.

I was speaking with my fellow lane mate, he and I seem to work out of the same days and sees to be about the same speed. We were talking about why we are hitting the pool, he told me he used to swim for a Master's club in Etobicoke but it was too big of a time commitment for him so he just comes here to work out now. I told him about my goal of swimming the swim leg of the triathlon relay. I mentioned to him that' it's been about 20 years since I use to compete and he told me I must have been 5 or 6 at the time. I don't know if he was being nice or I genuinely look young. But that got me thinking about my age.

I feel young, I feel like I'm still in my late 20's, I have to think about my age when people ask me because I'm not really keeping track of it. That said there are things that are starting to let me know that I'm not as young as I use to be. My body is not as forgiving to me, my energy levels are as high either (but that could have something to do with the fact that I'm not very consistent in taking my thyroid meds) and I'm not as tolerant with others with certain things ( I don't suffer fools well anymore, if I ever did).

I do know next year is a big milestone year for me, I turn 35. I know this not because I'm celebrating that milestone but because that's the date I picked to get a tattoo. I've wanted one for a while but people (Rock) have tried to talk me out of it. I'm not getting it to rebel, I'm in my 30's I'm doing it because I think it looks cool and I want it. I don't' care if it sags when I'm old or if it's distorted, it's what I want. I had originally decided that I wanted to do it for my 33rd birthday but I had just given birth so I put it off until my 35th. The reason I did that is that I want the tattoo to incorporate my children. I wanted to get to know Tutu a bit and his personality so I can represent him in it. I want it to be funky and cute looking. I guess I should start researching a) where to get it done and b) what images I want to include.

I also weighed myself this morning and it seems like all the weight I lost has come back. And yes I do know muscles weighs more then fat and I should be looking at m overall loss (like the fact that my pants won't stay on anymore without a belt) but it still is a bit discouraging. Overall I am looking and feeling better so I guess I just need to ignore that number (which I do know, and is part of the reason we don't own a scale in our house).

And since I'm talking about weight loss, I just wanted to give kudos for Rock who has lost 14lbs in the last 3 weeks. While I don't think he's doing it in the healthiest way possible, I'm still proud of him of doing it. He's been working hard between reducing his portions and making healthier food choices (except that I think he's cut down his carbs too much as they are still an important part of nutrition) and working out. Way to go baby.

And then tonight I took the kids out for a walk, we walked for about an hour, played at the playground for about half and hour. At that point we raced our friends to their house (we ran and they drove) by the time I got there I glistened. And swam for about half an hour. I guess you can say I got my exercise quotient in for the day.


Pretty flowers we found on our walk

A busy and productive long weekend

The weekend was so busy I didn't have a chance to post. I spent the long weekend cleaning mostly. We cleaned out our garage which wasn't touch since we moved in. I spent a good part of Saturday cleaning it and although it looks better it is still full of stuff. I think we need to invest in a shed because we have so many big items that take up so much room. Between the lawnmower, snow blower, double jogging stroller, 2 umbrella strollers and a regular stroller, a bike, a chariot, a fridge, a work bench, some bigger wood working tools like a drill press, router, jig saw, plus the other things that tend to accumulate in a garage our 2 car garage cant' even fit 1 car in it.

I did throw out or recycle a lot of things but there is more stuff we need to purge. The problem is a lot f the stuff is emotionally charged and neither myself or Rock are ready to tackle that at the moment. At least we can walk from the front to the back of the garage without killing ourselves. It's a start at least.

Sunday we lounged around ( I was sore and tired from cleaning and doing something stupid like moving an old washing machine by myself) and in the afternoon we went to a BBQ at an old friend's house. It was nice to see them and catch up. Since the Gardner was closed we took the GO train there and back. The girls loved that, they love taking the subway or Go train. On the way home we left daddy and Tutu on the bottom level so we could go up to the top and see the world from a better vantage point. I got to show the girls the condo we use to live in before children.

Monday I was suppose to give the house a good cleaning. I got around to doing half the house, then I purged through all our shoes. I ended up throwing up quite a bit that I don't even know why they were kept because they were barely holding together.

I got sidetracked partway through the day because I walked my dad over to my friends house so he could take a look at their lawnmower. It wasn't working so he took it apart and tried to fix it for them. He wasn't able to fix it but figured out what was wrong and what part was needed.

When he was doing that it got me thinking that I need to start paying attention more to him when he fixes things around the house so that I can learn. He is a jack of all trades, he know plumbing, electrical, general contracting, appliance repair, mechanics just about everything. If something doesn't work I call him to help. He did teach me a lot but since I've had kids I don't get to watch and learn as often as I would like as I usually have a little one wanting my attention. As much as I want him to be around forever I know that it wont' happen. I need to glean as much as I can from him now so I can do it myself later, that or I'll have to pay someone to do it.

After that I finished cleaning the house, we went out to dinner to celebrate my parents 35th wedding anniversary. Dinner was yummy, we went to East Side Mario's. The kids all behaved, for the most part. Ont he way home it was like the Heaven's opened up. The rain was pouring down and the girls were disappointed that we weren't able to do fireworks. We got home and after a whiel the rain stopped. We called over our friends and neighbours and set off the fireworks. We didn't have anywhere to sit but the fireworks were enjoyed by all.

Last week wasn't a good workout week for me, while I was doing my almost nightly walks I only hit the pool once. I went again this morning but I was only able to do 1200m in total. My 750m took about 16 minutes. I was really sore from the aforementioned washing machine incident and was feeling the burn in my leg muscles. So as not to injure myself I figured better to get out.

I have been noticing the 3 weeks I've been back in the pool that I am one of the few females that swim in the mornings. I'm not counting the ladies that are in the slow lane who don't even put their head in the water swimming. I mean all out swim, using proper strokes, wear a cap on your head, goggles and racing suit. This morning there was 1 other female swimming and when I was leaving another one coming in. On the other hand there was 9 males. I think I've seen maybe another 2-3 women around. I wonder why there is so few females in the pool? Back in the days when I competed there was a lot of us.

I wasn't able to weigh myself this morning as the scale was out of order so I don't know how I'm doing in that front. I'm not doing this to loose weight but it would be nice to see an improvement. I usually go by my pants if they are loose then I know I'm on track but my pants were already loose before I started this. I guess my goal will be to have my pants falling off before I go and start buying a new wardrobe.

And then tonight I hooked up the chariot to the bike and took the kids for a bike ride. I haven't rode a bike for 4 years but I hopped on tonight. We biked over to my parents place. We were out for an hour. Pretty funny since this morning I quit swimming because my legs were sore and here I go for a bike ride. My legs are officially jello tonight. My friend T is such a bad influence even when she's not around. Today in an e-mail she told me that I will be doing the triathlon myself next year. I think she needs to wash her mouth out with soap for such dirty words. Monkey rode her bike there and back as well. I'm so proud of her, she's doing so well riding her bike. She mastered 2 wheels on Thursday and now we can take a longer trip on the bike.

This and That

I had wanted to write this post yesterday but I spent the evening at Monkey's school council meeting. They were discussing the new food policy and seeing that she had peanut and tree nut allergies I wanted to see what they had to say. The policy conforms to Sabrina's Law so no issue there but I did find out some disturbing news there that I'm not sure what to do about. I'm more concerned about it when reading my friend's post about using an epi-pen on her son for the first time. They mentioned that they have bought cakes from not a nut free facility (which I'm ok with). What disturbs me about this is that they never mentioned it to the parents who's children would be affected by it. If our children's lives could be put at risk should we the parents not have a say in it? Why is the school making those decisions? And Monkey normally questions what she's eating if she's not sure but if teachers are giving it out then she wouldn't because they should be trusted. Still need to figure out what to do about this.

I did wake up early yesterday morning to train again. I'm at the point where I'm just working to build up endurance. I did the 750m in 16 minutes again (I still haven't gotten around to getting a stop watch to time myself officially). My total work out was 1400m. Finally I'm starting not to feel as sore after the workouts. I'm feeling better overall. Who would have thunk that working out would make you feel good? ;).

Today's observation from the pool is just because you think you swim fast may not be entirely true. If you get passed 4 times in 200m then maybe you should move down to the medium lane. When I got back into the pool, I went into the medium lane because I figured it's been years since I swam so I don't want to hold anyone back. Even in the fast lane I pass people. I was talking to one of the fellow swimmers and told him what I was doing training for the triathlon relay. He asked me how long I've been swimming for. He was shocked when I told him it's only been 2 weeks and my 4th time in the pool. I was keeping up with him and he's been swimming for years. I guess the body doesn't forget because I'm kicking butt. 750m this year next year who knows. This has unleashed my competitive spirit, that's for sure.

And here are my most recent art creations.

Wednesday's creations



Thursday's Creations


And today's partly finished creation



And the most exciting thing. I won tickets to this event, Live Your Passion. I'm so excited to go, ignite my passion, learn more about me and re-energize.