Every Journey Start With A Step However Small

Ok I’m starting this pen to paper because ideas seem to flow more easily here. When I type it out on the computer, I feel like I need to be perfect right off the bat, I edit as I go and I am less likely to edit my ideas and content when I do it that way. I just relay on spell check for spelling and grammar (areas which I suck in and truly don’t care about and here is a blog post that validates my thinking. I love to have my ideas validated by others. I am by no means at that calibre of writing but it still feels good to be validated.  For those that don’t wish to click the link, she talks about content and ideas being more important the spelling, grammar and typos; that those things don’t make you any less intelligent. Sorry to all my friends who are hung up on that, you clearly know that I am not and sorry if I drive you crazy).

 

Ok so I’m writing this because I’ve come to some realizations and insights. If you have been flowing along with me, you can see I have been undergoing some personal transformations; I am in self-discovery phase of my journey. I am not happy with certain aspects of my life (work) and am trying to figure out what to do about it.  At 35 I am still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.

What? At 35 I should have this figured out, I should be living that life but sadly at 35 I am coming into my own and releasing the labels others have put on me. I am struggling with the role model I am trying to be for my children.

In high school I took courses my parents told me to. Math and science was what I was supposed to focus on. I never took any art classes except the mandatory one, even though I loved them. My Dad especially wanted my brother and I to go to university, like he did. Boy was he disappointed when I went to college to be a Child and Youth Worker, and more disappointed when I dropped out of college. The coup de gras was when my brother dropped out of university. No university graduates in his family.

During my first year of Child and Youth worker at Humber I was going through some personal stuff, it was also when I first met Rock. After a series of events I decided to take a year off school and refocus myself and figure out what I wanted to do.

In that year off Rock’s mom advised us that instead of renting we should look into buying a condo as the condo market was hot. We were able to get a good deal pre-construction and so now my returning back to school was put on the back burner; we now had a mortgage to pay for.

We got married and started the journey to have kids, when it wasn’t happening I came up with a plan to go back to school and still work full time. I was going to apply to George Brown for the Jewellery Design program. I made it through the interview process but when it was time to put my application in I found out I was pregnant with Monkey, and then came Muffin and lastly Tutu. My dreams of going back to school were once again put on the back burner.

A side note here, I feel like I am rambling but I feel it`s important to share my story. I have learned so much from others sharing their stories and it is also part of being authentic in my posts. Now back to the regular scheduled rambled blog post.

So now here I am 8 years later still not knowing what I want to be when I grow up (side note I also am wondering when I’m going to feel like a grown up, right now I still feel like I am faking it). I do know I want to do something creative, I know I want to work with my hands, I do know I like to work on a variety of tasks. I like planning and organizing, I like analyzing stats. I anyone has an idea of what a good career for me would be that would be great. Right now I can’t seem to see past call centre and administration. I can tell you I DO NOT want to do that when I grow up. Heck, I don’t want to do that right now anymore but I have a family to help support. I need to figure out what different types of careers are out there and how to transfer my skills that I have acquired. I know they are transferable but I just can’t see the logistics right now.

Things I am going to do right now are to stick with my day job, I hate it but it does have some perks like being close to home and working with Rock. Plus it’s easier to deal with the devil you know, than the devil you don’t. I will continue to blog and refine my blogging style and voice. I will start up an Etsy store and work towards my goal.

Now I have done a TON of research (research is my security blanket, the more knowledge I have the better I feel). I have read both sides of the debate of following your dreams and making a living from it.  I have decided after months (ok more like over a year) of research that I am done with reading and research, that I am going to trust my gut and follow my intuition.

I do have a couple of different ideas of where I want to be and what I want to do but for now I will take small calculated risks while having the safety net of a full time job (even one that makes me unhappy. Then I can figure out if I am cut out for self-employment, figure out the business ins and out.

I am finally taking baby steps to work towards this dream. I have started making my first products to stock in my store. I will be setting up an Etsy store shortly and I will share with you when I get it set up.

 The bow I'm starting to make

I did have a hard time narrowing down what I want to sell but for now I will stick to my crocheted bows and bow ties, my crocheted hats and fabric flower headbands. I’m sure this will evolve as I get more into things but I wanted to keep things simple to start.

So now I have made myself accountable to you that I will do this. I don’t have a date yet but I hope to do it by October, in time for the Holiday season. I have to get a bit of stock set up and figure the logistics of names and such.

I am scared but also excited as to what can come out of this. I hope you stick around and see where this journey takes me. And if you are sharing a similar journey with me, drop me a line and maybe we can cheerlead each other, keep each other accountable and help each other out.

Scared and exited,

Ania

Looking Forward to 2012

 me at the end of 2011

 

As every year I have high hopes for the new year to come, big reams, goals and resolutions are made and not always fulfilled. I did fulfill a lot of the things I had outlined for 2011 but the ones that fell flat all revolved around me.  I didn't take the time to reflect and work  on me, and because of that I didn't go forward with any of my personal goals of finding a new career or selling any of my creations.

 

I am grateful for all the lessons 2011 brought me, I am grateful for all my friends an family. It was a quiet but busy year. It didn't turn out the way I envisioned it but it was a good year none the less. 

 

This year instead of doing resolutions, I am dedicating a theme for the year. I will have a whole year to work on it and there isn't a check list to check off. Anything I accomplish puts me that much closer to finding out who I am right now, at this stage of life. My theme for 2012 is me. I need to take time to reflect on how I've changed and grown over the last 7 years of being a mother, I need to reflect on how my relationship with Rock has changed and grown and how I can make things better. I need to reflect on my role as a mother now that my children are growing up and we are leaving the baby stages behind for the last time. I need to figure out why I have this fear of putting myself out there and making something of myself. Instead I marinate miserably at my job when I have talents and potential.  I feel like I'm just coasting right now.

 

I'm feeling more reflective today because it's the one year anniversary of my MIL's funeral and it's making me realize I didn't make enough changes this past year to make the most of my life.  This holiday season a few of my friends have lost their loved ones as well. This is making me reflect on my life even more. One of them was a young mother of 3 young children.  I keep thinking what if it was me? I don't think I've done enough to make the most of the life I have.  I need to make the most of it, I need to make changes to benefit all of us, life is so short and precious.

 

2011 I supported Rock through his journey, I watched the children while he goes works out and attends meetings that help him change both physically and emotionally. I  supported him through the loss of essentially a person, he has lost over 150 lbs since March and still going strong.

 

2012 will be my year, I hope to get back on the health kick I was on before I gave up on myself because I felt like my body failed me again when I did the triathlon relay. I am so mad at myself for not being able to finish the race and having to be pulled out of the water. I will start the year out right, change my diet and get back into the gym.  I will focus back on getting healthy as opposed to training for an event. I think that doing that took the fun out of it for me. It also brought up memories of my body failing me in the past. 

 

So see the theme is me, I have a lot of work to do on a lot of fronts to make myself a better person. I can't wait to see what this next year will bring.

 

Wishing everyone a Happy New Year may 2012 bring forth new hope. I hope that 2012 is filled with lots of love, laughter, prosperity, family, friends, health and happiness. 

Ania

Me at the end of 2010

Make-up = Life lessons?

I know a post about makeup from someone who's pictures almost always show her without it.  I love makeup, I love playing with the different colours, trying new techniques but staying with the easy standbys.  But yet since I've had kids I don't really  wear it much. And it's not because of a time constraint (although some days this would be my excuse). The reason you see me without make-up is a conscious decision.

I had a rocky start with make-up. I wasn't a cool kid, my parents would let me wear make-up or play around with it. They wouldn't let me shave my legs in grade 7 because it was unnecessary. I got teased a lot.  The odd time when I was allowed to wear make-up my mother would apply it in an over applied 80's style (which clearly didn't cut it in the minimalist 90's).

I was in grade 7 or 8 and the cool girls offered to give me a makeover at recess. Being naive I was excited that the cool girls were talking to me and offering to make me pretty.  Pretty was not what I got, the over applied the make-up made me look cheap and trampy. They did this to get a laugh at my expense.

So after that I began to learn how to apply it and collected a pretty impressive collection.  I would wear makeup all the time. Fast forward to college where I was doing my first placement at a group home for trouble teens (I was studying to become a child and youth worker, but that never worked out but that's a whole other story), and I was asked not to wear makeup.

What do you mean? It's my face I can do what I want. I was a cocky 19 year old. It makes me look pretty.  Then they explained to me, the girls in the home have low self -esteem, and one of the things they are trying to do is build their self-esteem. They want to show them that beauty doesn't depend on what you wear, the make-up you have on. That it comes from within.  At the time I fluffed it off and did what they said because my marks counted on them.  I truly didn't understand what they meant and what they were trying to achieve until I had a daughter. And it wasn't right when she was born, it was actually a few years later.

Before you have kids, you hear about how children mimic you, they watch you and copy what you do.  Until something happens you don't really think too much about it.  I use to wear makeup just about every day because I liked it. Then one day when Monkey was about 2 1/2, she found my makeup stash in the bathroom and proceeded to cover herself with copper eye shadow so she could be pretty like mommy.  She was doing what she saw me doing. I tried to explain to her that she is pretty and she doesn't need the makeup, but she told me that I wear makeup and she wants to be pretty like me.

How do I teach her that she is pretty just as she is without makeup? I gave up my makeup habit. I still do wear makeup on special occasions. I'm not banning makeup, and when the girls do ask to wear it I will let them within reason.   Right now when I'm putting on makeup for a party or an event, you bet the girls are in the bathroom with me, watching me, mimicking me.  I do put on a light pink eye shadow for them and some lip gloss. But i am showing them that they don't' need to wear makeup to be pretty on a regular basis. We are all pretty just the way we are.

That said I can't wait until the day that they are older and I can start wearing make-up again on a regular basis because it does add something to you. I don't know if it's the makeup itself, or the way it makes you feel but I do get more compliments the days I do wear makeup. 

For now, I will continue to teach my girls these life lessons through example.

Ania