Friday, July 13, 2012

Every Journey Start With A Step However Small

Ok I’m starting this pen to paper because ideas seem to flow more easily here. When I type it out on the computer, I feel like I need to be perfect right off the bat, I edit as I go and I am less likely to edit my ideas and content when I do it that way. I just relay on spell check for spelling and grammar (areas which I suck in and truly don’t care about and here is a blog post that validates my thinking. I love to have my ideas validated by others. I am by no means at that calibre of writing but it still feels good to be validated.  For those that don’t wish to click the link, she talks about content and ideas being more important the spelling, grammar and typos; that those things don’t make you any less intelligent. Sorry to all my friends who are hung up on that, you clearly know that I am not and sorry if I drive you crazy).
Ok so I’m writing this because I’ve come to some realizations and insights. If you have been flowing along with me, you can see I have been undergoing some personal transformations; I am in self-discovery phase of my journey. I am not happy with certain aspects of my life (work) and am trying to figure out what to do about it.  At 35 I am still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.

What? At 35 I should have this figured out, I should be living that life but sadly at 35 I am coming into my own and releasing the labels others have put on me. I am struggling with the role model I am trying to be for my children.

In high school I took courses my parents told me to. Math and science was what I was supposed to focus on. I never took any art classes except the mandatory one, even though I loved them. My Dad especially wanted my brother and I to go to university, like he did. Boy was he disappointed when I went to college to be a Child and Youth Worker, and more disappointed when I dropped out of college. The coup de gras was when my brother dropped out of university. No university graduates in his family.

During my first year of Child and Youth worker at Humber I was going through some personal stuff, it was also when I first met Rock. After a series of events I decided to take a year off school and refocus myself and figure out what I wanted to do.

In that year off Rock’s mom advised us that instead of renting we should look into buying a condo as the condo market was hot. We were able to get a good deal pre-construction and so now my returning back to school was put on the back burner; we now had a mortgage to pay for.

We got married and started the journey to have kids, when it wasn’t happening I came up with a plan to go back to school and still work full time. I was going to apply to George Brown for the Jewellery Design program. I made it through the interview process but when it was time to put my application in I found out I was pregnant with Monkey, and then came Muffin and lastly Tutu. My dreams of going back to school were once again put on the back burner.

A side note here, I feel like I am rambling but I feel it`s important to share my story. I have learned so much from others sharing their stories and it is also part of being authentic in my posts. Now back to the regular scheduled rambled blog post.

So now here I am 8 years later still not knowing what I want to be when I grow up (side note I also am wondering when I’m going to feel like a grown up, right now I still feel like I am faking it). I do know I want to do something creative, I know I want to work with my hands, I do know I like to work on a variety of tasks. I like planning and organizing, I like analyzing stats. I anyone has an idea of what a good career for me would be that would be great. Right now I can’t seem to see past call centre and administration. I can tell you I DO NOT want to do that when I grow up. Heck, I don’t want to do that right now anymore but I have a family to help support. I need to figure out what different types of careers are out there and how to transfer my skills that I have acquired. I know they are transferable but I just can’t see the logistics right now.

Things I am going to do right now are to stick with my day job, I hate it but it does have some perks like being close to home and working with Rock. Plus it’s easier to deal with the devil you know, than the devil you don’t. I will continue to blog and refine my blogging style and voice. I will start up an Etsy store and work towards my goal.

Now I have done a TON of research (research is my security blanket, the more knowledge I have the better I feel). I have read both sides of the debate of following your dreams and making a living from it.  I have decided after months (ok more like over a year) of research that I am done with reading and research, that I am going to trust my gut and follow my intuition.

I do have a couple of different ideas of where I want to be and what I want to do but for now I will take small calculated risks while having the safety net of a full time job (even one that makes me unhappy. Then I can figure out if I am cut out for self-employment, figure out the business ins and out.

I am finally taking baby steps to work towards this dream. I have started making my first products to stock in my store. I will be setting up an Etsy store shortly and I will share with you when I get it set up.
 The bow I'm starting to make

I did have a hard time narrowing down what I want to sell but for now I will stick to my crocheted bows and bow ties, my crocheted hats and fabric flower headbands. I’m sure this will evolve as I get more into things but I wanted to keep things simple to start.

So now I have made myself accountable to you that I will do this. I don’t have a date yet but I hope to do it by October, in time for the Holiday season. I have to get a bit of stock set up and figure the logistics of names and such.

I am scared but also excited as to what can come out of this. I hope you stick around and see where this journey takes me. And if you are sharing a similar journey with me, drop me a line and maybe we can cheerlead each other, keep each other accountable and help each other out.

Scared and exited,


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