Monday, July 9, 2012

Being Authentic

So I am still trying to figure things out, I am really struggling with juggling time and priorities (which is funny because last year I was doing pretty good at it), I don’t know if the funk I am in is helping me have a hard time. I am still struggling with inner demons, that keep telling me I’m not good enough and who do I think I am. I am also struggling with comparing myself with others, and thinking how they are so much better then me.

As a blogger, I read a lot of blogs and I see all the pretty pictures and I think, wow I wish my house was as clean as theirs or I had the time to stage such pretty pictures or write tutorials. Or they write about the trips they take, their great relationships with God or their spouse (don’t get me wrong things are pretty good right now but it’s always a work in progress between Rock and myself, and my relationship with God is pretty stale and needs a lot more work). The green-eyed monster comes out and wishes that I had those things too. 

My house after hours (yes hours) of cleaning still looks like a hurricane came through it because almost as fast as I clean it, it gets messed up with every day life. Plus it only gets a good clean once a week because between working full time, supporting Rock with his weight loss journey and having 3 kids 7 and under. Plus it doesn’t help that or house is big so things just take longer when you have more square footage to clean.  I am working on decluttering and getting rid of things. I still have tons of boxes in the crawl space not unpacked because I don’t’ have homes for the items and I don’t want to let them into the house. I seem to be doing good in that respect but I am not good with keeping the number of toys at bay or craft supplies.  It also doesn’t help that my mom has been staying with us and share my craft room with me and she is a big time pack rat.  I need to toughen myself up and get rid of some of the toys and move some f the toys into each kids room so that they can have their own little play areas. It is a work in progress. 

I wonder when some of the stuff gets done for the bloggers, I know that some of the blogs I follow they are stay at home moms and have a kit more time to get things done, I was much more on top of things when I was home on maternity leave. I could be on top of things better.   Now when I get home I am ambushed by the children because they missed me, Tutu has a nursing session to reconnect with me and then we have dinner, finish up whatever homework didn’t get done and have a it of family time before bath and bed times. And then once all 3 are in bed, I flop on the couch and do some sort of crafting or blogging and forget about mustering the energy to clean up. And there 2-3 nights a week that Rock leaves me with the kids, so it’s tougher. Don’t get me wrong I do get help my mom does my laundry for me to help out. I am so grateful for that.  Rock does the cooking as he gets home before me. I carry the childcare and cleaning responsibilities. So we do make it work but it’s hard to balance. There are times I wish I could say fudge it and not clean but then things just get worse.

I guess what I’m trying to get at in a long round about way is that I am not other people, I am me and I can only do my best. I don’t know what others have going on; it may be that the pictures look perfect and staged but behind the scenes it looks like a hurricane hit. Or maybe they have the time to do all this because they are being paid to blog or maybe there is a team of people working on the blog. What we see is not always the truth. We need to be happy with what we are doing and worry less about what others are doing. WE need to worry less about what others and worry more about ourselves.  In the end the only person we should be accountable to is ourselves and God if that is your belief. 
I need to remember to be true to myself, to my beliefs and not worry about what other people are doing, I do not walk in there shoes and I do not know their struggles are and things may seem great but they may not be. I have been noticing a trend lately that other bloggers are struggling with this and are being more open and maybe this openness will allow for that green-eyed monster to come out less and less. 

I had shared a picture on my personal facebook page not to long ago that said: “I see all these moms who can do everything and then I think…   …I should have them do some stuff for me”, I feel like there are moms out there who can do it all and I seem to be failing. Well I had a friend respond to me who said she feels that way about me.  I responded that I am by no means that person and I am in awe of her. Her house is always so neat and tidy despite having 3 young boys (mind you she isn’t a pack rat like someone writing this post, which I think helps).  I think we tend it be in awe of other people who can do things we can’t or do things we want to do better. I would have never thought she felt that way about me.

So now that you have finished my long rambling post, I hope it makes sense and shows that I am trying to be more authentic, trying to be a better person and a better blogger but I am struggling and instead of showing my perfect life (HA!), I am showing you a glimpse of the real me and my real life. 


No comments: