So this weekend I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. Now it may
have been too early to test it may not have been. I haven't had my cycle
return yet since Muffin was born. The test as you can guess was negative.
The night before I took the test Rock and I had a discussion about our
family and decided (me somewhat reluctantly) that if we're not pregnant
then we're done. That's it no more little ones in our house, no more
pregnancies, no more chances at trying to have a home birth, no more
breast-feeding, changing diapers. This was my last chance. Now I knew that
going in but Muffin was some reason refused to act her age and was always
doing things early to keep up with her big sister. I never got a chance to
relish in those baby days.
Originally the plan was we weren't going to make a final decision until
about a year from now but things change. We weren't stopping anything from
happening, given my history of infertility and miscarriage we were going to
let nature take it's course and if it happened without intervention then it
was meant to be. To get pregnant with Monkey and Muffin we needed some help
and each time more help was needed then the time before. I originally
didn't want to try and get pregnant until a year from now when Muffin was
2, however there were/are things going on with my body that made me think I
was pregnant (in retrospect it's probably my cycle coming back).
These feelings have made me realize how badly I want another child. In my
heart of hearts the family doesn't feel complete. I love my family, and
think it's perfect but sometimes it feels like something is missing. That
we are meant to have another one in the house; to have a full house, all 5
cards. Since Muffin was born, we've been flip flopping on the number of
children to have, our heads keep saying 2 is more then enough, we have
enough to live comfortably and provide for 2 of them plus afford little
extras once in a while but if we were to have 3 things would be a little
bit tighter. Now I believe that things will work out somehow but Rock needs
to have a stable plan to follow and doesn't like leaving things up in the
air. After much discussion late into the night we decide to go ahead with
the big snip. He will be calling his Dr in the next few weeks to make the
appointment. That's it, it'll be done and over with. That said in the
mean time we are still not doing anything to stop it from happening, but
that means the stars would have to line up just right for it to happen.
When Rock told his father that he's going through with the big snip and
that there would be no male heir, his father told him that maybe it would
be better to let nature take it's course then make such a permanent
decision now. When Rock told me this I wanted to go and kiss the man. My
FIL and I don't always get along but after I heard that I wanted to rush to
KY and kiss him. We still haven't had a chance to discuss this newest
incident yet so I may be premature in this post but I felt the need to get
my feelings out.
In the end if we are meant to only have 2 children I'm OK with that, and
who sz that even though I want a 3rd child I will get it, given my past
history and the fact that I don't want to go into more complex fertility
treatments that increase my risk significantly of having multiples. It's
the fact that the decision has been made that we're done. That we are no
longer leaving things up to God or the universe (whatever belief system you
follow). That we are taking matters into our own hands and saying that's
it. I guess I need to find a way to make peace with this, the same way I
needed o make peace with the fact that I ended up with insulin dependant
diabetes during my pregnancy with Muffin and my dreams of a homebirth were
squashed. I guess I wanted to have that chance of having the birth I'd
always envisioned and heard about from other woman. To be left alone while
you labour, to give birth in the bed where the child was first created, to
be left alone after the birth, no testing, no poking no prodding. To be
able to sleep after the birth, relax, to rest and enjoy my family. To have
my family present at the birth. To be able to have my MIL at the birth
because she can't walk the hallways at the hospital. To have so many things
I wanted. I will get over this, I just need time to grieve over my loss.
Because to me it's the loss of a child that I wanted but now won't be able
to have.
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