I've been fighting a battle with myself for a number of years. I have yet to forgive myself for giving up all those years ago when I got injured when swimming and I was told that if it got worse I would need to have my shoulder operated on. I though rationally about it and thought, I'm not a world class athlete so it's better to stop and have full function then to continue and risk a major injury.
You'd think when I made this rational decision all those years ago, I would be ok with it. Sadly I am not, I abused my body for years, smoking, eating and not exercising. I still am beating myself up over it.
When I decided to try the triathlon relay this month it brought up these emotions and now my race partner is trying to get me to try the try it triathlon next year. And here I am thinking I can do it. If I couldn't make it as an athlete when I was young and in shape what makes me think I can do it now? I mean I am out of shape and much older now. Who am I kidding?
However my friend, being the great friend that she is, won't give up on me and works on me every day to do the race with her. This morning I went to the YMCA and tried to bike 10 km that I would have to do in the race. I managed to finish it in 28.15 minutes, and then thinking I should recreate the race environment I went on the track to do some laps. I did 6 laps (5 laps = 1 km) and one of those was jogging. My asthma acted up during that jog but I did it (even if my legs felt like jello). I still have a lot more work to do but I'm starting.
Today at work I was talking to my co-workers who are also personal trainers and while they agreed with my friend that I don't need to complete the distance on the first day of training they also said some things that are leading me closer to forgiving myself. That and some comments on my facebook wall. These 2 guys who work out for a living said that what I was doing was hardcore and they couldn't do it, especially since I do have injuries and am trying.
Maybe I don't need to beat myself up, maybe just the act of training is enough, it is getting me to my goal of being healthier. So what if I don't finish first (even though I really want to), at least I'm getting off my butt and trying and that is more then most people can say.
I'm not saying I have forgiven myself yet but I am well on my way. I'm also on my way of becoming on of those healthy people you hear about.
Thanks for stopping by,