Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Mid-Life Crisis?

People tend to call it a mid-life crisis when you start to re-evaluate yourself once you get older. I mean you should have done your experimentation and exploring when you were young. Now that you are an adult and have established life you have no business doing that, heaven forbid we grow as people.

In 9 days I will be turning 35, not quite mid-life but getting up there.  I have been taking this milestone birthday as an opportunity to take stock of my life. What I have accomplished, what I still want to accomplish, review my dreams, see what's relevant now and what's not.  See if I am on the course I am meant to be.

I was talking to my friend's husband in the fall, he had just gotten a motorcycle. Something that he had wanted for a long time but it wasn't until now that he was able to get it, between life circumstances and finances.  On the surface it looks like he is having a mid-life crisis. He is getting older and he got this to make him feel young again.  First off why is it a bad thing if we are trying to make ourselves feel young and alive? But second if this is something that he has been wanting for a long time, then why is it assumed that it's a crisis. At this point in his life, he had the means to follow his dream and the courage to not care what others thought of him. I wonder if the reason people talk is because of their own insecurities. That they are jealous because they don't have the courage to take the same actions. Take actions to follow their dreams even if it goes against "what we should do"

I applaud my friend's husband because he had that courage.  I am at that point as well. I have always wanted a tattoo, I've wanted one since I was at that rebellious age but never got one because I didn't want to rock the boat. I was a good girl, good girls don't do that.  Rock talked me out of it, my FIL talked me out of it (he had a few tattoos that he regretted getting) and yet I still wanted it.  I didn't want to get a tattoo to share with the world, I wanted one for me.

Yes, over the years what I wanted has change but not to location and not the want of one.  I would like to get a tattoo on my upper thigh, so it would only be visible when I wear a bathing suit. I want to get a tattoo that represents my children. I want to do a tree of life, that has 3 stars hanging down representing my children.  I originally was going to get one for my 33rd birthday but then I was pregnant so I thought I would do it for my 35th once I knew my children and could incorporate them. 

I am hoping that I will be able to do it in the next coming months. I am torn because I want to get the tattoo but I also want to get some art supplies in a few weeks at the Creative Festival.  We will see which decision wins out in the coming weeks.

Over the past few months I have been making slow changes in my life.  And I can see how people think that they are in response to a mid-life crisis but to me they are not. To me they are choices made by a mature individual who no longer fears what others think of her. So what that I'm 34 and have pink in my hair. It's just hair, it doesn't mean I am less capable of doing my job. If hair colour made that difference then we would all colour our hair the same colour and be equally as compliant. That is not the case.   I am now doing things that I didn't have courage to do when I was suppose to rebel.  I like my pink hair, it makes me happy.  It reflects my fun personality. Judge me not by how I look but by who I am, and the actions I take.

Slowly I am letting go of the me I'm suppose to be, the me who isn't happy and becoming the woman I am suppose to become.  I am still figuring out who I am. I always thought at this point in my life I would have it all together. I would know who I am, what I want to be, what direction to take in life. I know none of that. I am in the processes of rediscovering myself after a few hard years. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

I originally went to school to be a Child and Youth Worker (something I think I would still be good at and enjoy) but I took a year off of school to figure out what I want to do. In that year off we bought a condo and I started working, 15 years later I am still working for that same company. I was going to go back to school to be a jewellery designer, I got into the program but got pregnant with Monkey and that dream was put aside.

I am at the point were I need to take stock at all the things I am good at, all the things I enjoy and cross reference them with jobs that are out there so that I can make a choice and do something that a) makes me happy b) challenges me c) makes a difference and d) allows me to provide for my family in the lifestyle we are accustomed to or even better.

I wish there was a magic wand or a magical person out there that does that hard work for you but there isn't.  I am working on it, I am also working on silencing the voices in my head that tell me I am not good enough, they ask me who I think I am to take these chances.  I will try and silence them and take some leas of faith over the next few months to get closer to some of my dreams. I may fail, I may succeed but if I don't take action I can do neither. It's ok to fail, it's ok to succeed part of the journey is taking the chance. 

It feels like 35 is going to be a big year for me.  I can feel the change in the air.  Who knows where I will end up a year from now, but I hope I have moved forward to a different place. Here's to taking chances and to "growing up".


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