Something was said to me years ago, it may have been an innocent comment, it may have been calculate but let me tell you the comment has been sitting with me for years, it has affect my life. I gave power to some simple words and allowed them to rule my life. Years ago someone I once knew told me I was selfish and self-centre. Now at the time I was going through some issues and I was using the person as a sounding board. I was trying to find a way out of my situation, maybe at that moment I was being all that but that is not my nature. I took those comments to heart and became hyper conscious of my interactions with others. I became guarded and started not to let people into my life (I have since let a few friends in) but it’s easier to only deal with and depend on yourself then get hurt by others.
I could say that I am mad and upset at the person who said this and for years this would have been the case if you asked me (but why would you since no one knew what my inner turmoil was) but that isn’t the case now. I am now upset at myself because I gave those words and that person the POWER to affect me. I knew deep down that it wasn’t true but sometimes we give too much power to others and not enough trust in ourselves.
I am now in the process of breaking down old thoughts and beliefs taking away power from other people and giving it back to myself. I know it’s not going to be easy, I know I will slip up along the way but I am giving myself a disservice if I don’t do this. I am also not being a good role model to my children if I don’t do this.
Saturday night I wrote a journal entry
“ I am feeling fragile today. I am feeling ready to break free of this box I am trapped in. I am ready to try and break through and break free of old thought patterns and beliefs. I am ready to start living my life as I am destined to. I am ready to become something more than I am. I am ready to make some changes. I am ready to tell the voices in my head to take a hike. I am good enough; I am talented, people like me. I don’t need to be sheltered; I don’t need to follow old patterns. I don’t need to believe things that were said of me in the past, they weren’t true then, they aren’t true no. The only person who hurt me, who stood in my way was me. I gave that person, that thought, that belief power because I believed it. I gave it strength, the more I thought about it the more power I gave it. The more truth it held. I make it a self-fulfilling prophecy. If it was my daughter, my friend in that spot I would not let them get tot his point. But for me I believe it to be true. Sometimes we are our own worst enemies. I am my own worst enemy. How can I become the person I am meant to be, the person capable of BIG things, if I get in my own way? I am going to take the leap of faith; I am going to make changes. I just hope as per usual I don’t talk myself out of it. I always have the greatest intentions but then I fall in the old, familiar thought pattern. Wish me luck”
I was in a bit of a mood, Saturday night before and after I wrote this. Rock and I spent some time talking about it and the situation that lead me into this mood. Rock was on my case to stop talking, stop researching, stop making plans and take action. He told me I have great ideas and great intentions but it is time for action. I need to get out of my funk, out of my head and start doing. I have been whining for a while that I need something to break me free and some time to myself. Because I am not doing that I am not getting out of my mood.
I guess I need to go back to my theme for 2012 CREATE, and create some time for myself to work on the stronger more balanced me.