So yesterday I released the floodgates on my emotions, I triggered the switch and they all came pouring out. The good, the bad and the ugly all swirling around me, just like the floodgates are released. Currents are formed, things that lay silently on the bottom are being moved around and rising to the top. I feel I could so easily succumb to those currents fighting me trying to pull me under. To sit a spell in those ugly, sad, depressing emotions. I am working to keep my head a float, to stay above those emotions and not get dragged down to the bottom.
I wrote my post yesterday on my break at work and when I was done I ended up having a 20 minute cry in the bathroom. The emotions just poured out of me. When Rock finally came to pick me up from work I was done. I didn't care about anything, all I wanted to do was crawl into bed, have a tea and a red velvet cupcake and cocoon. When I came home I saw my children's smiling faces and said I need to fight this, I need to stay strong for them.
I am tired of being the strong one, the one everyone depends on, the one who can handle anything, the one who does. That said I want my children to see me as strong. I know have to make a compromise, I can't just give up and go to the other end of the spectrum and give up. I need to strong while still allowing myself to vulnerable. I need to allow myself the time to grieve, to live it he emotion but be strong enough to come back out and function for my family.
I realized that I haven't painted from my heart in a while because I think I was scared of what might come out. I did do a few quick paintings but my sketching, painting and journaling have been abandoned for a few months. I need to reconnect with that self and work through this, grow and heal. I will try and share this journey with you guys as well. I hope that my healing my help and inspire others to heal as well.
Welcome to this new journey and new chapter.