Miss you Mom

Today is a special day in my life. A year ago today the world lost an amazing woman, a woman who was selfless, kind, caring, a beautiful soul. A year ago today my MIL passed away while I was in the next room nursing Tutu just after 4am. I had been up with her all night changing the dressings on her wound every hour or so because it was leaking so badly.  After suffering with the tumor for over  3 years, taking care of my step-FIL before he passed away, after spending 4 months in the hospital and 5 months at home she left her earthly body and went home to be with God and all her family that went before her. She no longer had to suffer as she had been for a long time.  She was so strong but the cancer was stronger then her. She was more then just a MIL to me, she was a second mom.

This is Rock's favorite picture of his mom because it shows so much of her fun personality.

I share more about MIL here when we celebrated her life at the cottage this summer.

Mom I love you so much, and miss you like crazy. Christmas wasn't Christmas without you, no one to decorate with, sings carols with, bake with, with the same enthusiasm you did.  I hope you are resting finally and enjoying your eternal life.



As with previous weeks I'm linking up with The Pleated Poppy and Mama Go Round.

What I wore to Monkey's Christmas concert and work.
hair pin - gift from my mom
cowl necklace - made by me
t-shirt - Penningtons
skirt worn as a strapless dress - Thyme Maternity
jeans - MXM

What I wore to Christmas Eve - it seems like I'm into the turquoise accessories since I wore them  times this week. In my defense it went with my tree.

hair pin - gift from my mom
cowl necklace - made by me
top- Penningtons
skirt -Penningtons
leggings - Penningtons
 bracelet - Forever 21
earrings- made by me

Christmas Day
hair flower - Walgreens
t-shirt - Forever 21 (gift from my dad, he has such good taste, ok so I picked it out with Monkey)
 belt - Forever 21
bracelet - Forever 21
jeans - MXM

And here is the whole family on Christmas day. I shared pictures from Christmas Eve here and will share more Christmas pictures this week, along with some of the gifts I made.

 

 

On Boxing day I made a quick run to Michael's to spend some Christmas money and spent the day in comfy clothes so no pictures from then. Yesterday we went to visit Rock's extended family and this is what I wore.

hair pin - gift from my mom

t-shirt - Forever 21 (this is a better picture as you can see all the embellishment on it. And yes I wore it twice in a week)

 belt - Forever 21
bracelets - Forever 21
jeans - MXM

The necklace that I'm wearing there is one I never take off. It was my MIL and she bequeathed it to me. She wanted a journey necklace for the longest time. FIL promised to get it for her for their 20th wedding anniversary. He got really sick a few months before that milestone and passed away the day after their anniversary.  She never got her necklace but her boss being the great man he is (they had been working together for 12 years) bought it for her on her birthday last year. She got her necklace she wanted for the longest time.  I wear it everyday to remind me of her, to keep her strength with me, her wisdom and guidance.

I'm sorry this wasn't such a happy post, but this whole season I just wasn't feeling it.  I hope my MIL is watching down on me and proud of what I have accomplished, proud of what our family has accomplished and proud of what her son has accomplished because Rock has made so many life altering changes in the last  year.

Be good to all those around you, love them and let them know because you don't know how much time you have with them.

Ania

Release the Floodgates

So yesterday I released the floodgates on my emotions, I triggered the switch and they all came pouring out. The good, the bad and the ugly all swirling around me, just like the floodgates are released. Currents are formed, things that lay silently on the bottom are being moved around and rising to the top.  I feel I could so easily succumb to those currents fighting me trying to pull me under. To sit a spell in those ugly, sad, depressing emotions. I am working to keep my head a float, to stay above those emotions and not get dragged down to the bottom.

I wrote my post yesterday on my break at work and when I was done I ended up having a 20 minute cry in the bathroom. The emotions just poured out of me. When Rock finally came to pick me up from work I was done. I didn't care about anything, all I wanted to do was crawl into bed, have a tea and a red velvet cupcake and cocoon.  When I came home I saw my children's smiling faces and said I need to fight this, I need to stay strong for them. 

I am tired of being the strong one, the one everyone depends on, the one who can handle anything, the one who does.  That said I want my children to see me as strong.  I know have to make a compromise, I can't just give up and go to the other end of the spectrum and give up. I need to strong while still allowing myself to vulnerable. I need to allow myself the  time to grieve, to live it he emotion but be strong enough to come back out and function for my family.

I realized that I haven't painted from my heart in a while because I think I was scared of what might come out. I did do a few quick paintings but my sketching, painting and journaling have been abandoned for a few months. I need to reconnect with that self and work through this, grow and heal.  I will try and share this journey with you guys as well.  I hope that my healing my help and inspire others to heal as well. 

Welcome to this new journey and new chapter. 

Ania