Monday, March 14, 2011

Crazy rantings of a not so crazy woman

2 weeks today I go back to work. You would think it's my 3rd time doing this and it wouldn't be so hard. But it is on many different fronts. Panic and anxiety is setting in, I feel I am no where near ready to go back.

With everything that has happened the last year, I feel I didn't get the time to be with my children. I *know* I did something that was great but it did make me loose out on time with my children. I was hoping that my year off I was going to make up to the girls for the previous year of not doing anything fun because we were taking care of my FIL. However, I spent alot of the time taking care of my MIL. My children did learn an important lesson from all this which is family is so important and you do everything in your power to help them. I am grateful for my miracle baby who came into our lives, I believe, so that I could take care of MIL.

Part of my anxiety is around Monkey. We have been working on her handwriting and have been seeing some improvement with it. Nothing great but the trend is towards improvement. We have found out that along with the handwriting, she is having difficulties with her spelling and her reading. Apparently the spelling isn't as great an issue as the reading. After March Break Monkey will be starting a Reading Recovery program to help with that. She will be taken out of the class everyday for half an hour to work on it. I keep wondering what I did wrong, why didn't I pick up on this sooner. Could we have prevented this if we were more in tune? Maybe if it was just Rock or myself doing homework with her we would have picked up on it. Instead who ever was available did homework with her.

Now my concern is when I go back to work it would give Rock and myself a 3 hour window until Monkey's bed time where we would have to make and eat dinner, bath time and homework. That doesn't give us much time to get all that done. Plus on Monday nights she has Polish Girls Scouts and Wednesday nights is swimming lessons. Take into consideration her homework on some nights take forever, we wouldn't get the chance to work on her handwriting or reading. After hearing my concerns (OK, crazy complaints) Rock has come up with a solution (no, I can't stay home and home school) but he's going to continue working a 7-3 shift so he can come home cook dinner and work on homework with Monkey and then when I would come home after 5 I would be able to just be with the family. It's not my ideal situation but at least it addresses my concerns. This way the kids also get some more time with their daddy.

There is also the fact that I'm not happy to go back to my job. It doesn't make me happy, it doesn't challenge me. There was a time when I was challenged and enjoyed my job but since I returned back to work after my maternity leave with Monkey that isn't the case. The position I was working in was made redundant. I was put in another position that I was told was comparable. There isn't a lot of movement from the team to other positions and not from a lack of trying on our parts. I've been with the company for 13 years now and I'm at the point where it's easier to deal with the devil you know then the devil you don't. Plus I've thinking about going back to school and until I make up my mind on that I will go back to where it's easier.

Then there is the housework. I have not been the neatest person, messes didn't use to phase me but for some reason messes and clutter drive me insane. I spend a good portion of my day cleaning up after everyone. And to clean the house takes a few hours, by the time I clean up toys from around the house, dust, sweep and wash the floors it takes about 2 1/2-3 hours. Where am I suppose to fit that in in the small amount of time I will have. I wish I could go back to where clutter didn't drive me crazy. I will say my house isn't perfect, it's not a show house it's a house where people live and 3 of them are small children but I do try to keep it neat. I guess I need to learn to break the task down into smaller parts and do a little bit everyday. It's just so satisfying seeing your whole house clean at once, even if it doesn't last very long.

Plus there are still so many projects I wanted to get done that didn't get done. A big one was unpacking the boxes from when we moved. I did get some done last week, as I attended a swap on the weekend and it was my motivation to get rid of clutter and purge. But my to do list seems like it's miles long.

The one thing I don't have to worry about when I go back is the childcare my children will receive and how they will transition, especially Tutu. During the time my MIL was home my parents where over every day to help and support us. Because I spent most of my days caring for MIL, my dad spent alot of time with Tutu. He got use to not being with me for longer periods of time. I know my children will be getting the best care possible while I work. In some cases even better care then Rock and I provide because they are the grandparents and can spoil them.

I know things will be OK, I know we will get back into a routine and we will manage. I definitely know and understand that we can plan to our hearts content but things will not go to plan. I guess I'm still dealing with all my emotions surrounding the last 2 years. I haven't had time to decompress and process everything. Things will get better. They just have too.

As a side note, I do realize that I use the word alot, alot. I know the word doesn't exist and isn't grammatically correct. For those of you who it bugs check this out.

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