Thursday, January 20, 2011

Life on hold

Have you ever gone through life, just gone through the motions but not really lived it? That is what the last 2 years of my life have been. I mean I've had moments where I've lived, I've enjoyed but it seems like my life was on hold as I've cared for my family.
Right now that's all ended, I have done what I needed to do but I can't seem to move on. The last few months I complained that I couldn't leave the house, that I couldn't do what I wanted to do, I couldn't create I didn't have time.
Fast forward to now and I'm still at home, I rarely leave, I can't create, I can't live. I live with guilt that I didn't do enough, I should have been done more. I should be the last person to say this but yet I feel like this. The funny thing is that people keep telling me about how I should feel. I should feel proud of myself for what I've done. That there isn't many young people with a young family including an infant who could take care of their mother in law for the last few months of her life. That I shouldn't feel any guilt for what I did, that I did more then most people would or could do. That I shouldn't beat myself up. I don't understand why or how people can tell me how to feel. Am I not the one to own my feelings? Maybe I need to feel this and work through this on my own. I need to get to the other side of my grief to process all that has happened in the last 2 years. Maybe I won't get over it. I guess we'll see, I do hope that I can start feeling a bit better so I can start to create again. I want my heart to sing again.

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