Every Journey Start With A Step However Small

Ok I’m starting this pen to paper because ideas seem to flow more easily here. When I type it out on the computer, I feel like I need to be perfect right off the bat, I edit as I go and I am less likely to edit my ideas and content when I do it that way. I just relay on spell check for spelling and grammar (areas which I suck in and truly don’t care about and here is a blog post that validates my thinking. I love to have my ideas validated by others. I am by no means at that calibre of writing but it still feels good to be validated.  For those that don’t wish to click the link, she talks about content and ideas being more important the spelling, grammar and typos; that those things don’t make you any less intelligent. Sorry to all my friends who are hung up on that, you clearly know that I am not and sorry if I drive you crazy).

 

Ok so I’m writing this because I’ve come to some realizations and insights. If you have been flowing along with me, you can see I have been undergoing some personal transformations; I am in self-discovery phase of my journey. I am not happy with certain aspects of my life (work) and am trying to figure out what to do about it.  At 35 I am still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.

What? At 35 I should have this figured out, I should be living that life but sadly at 35 I am coming into my own and releasing the labels others have put on me. I am struggling with the role model I am trying to be for my children.

In high school I took courses my parents told me to. Math and science was what I was supposed to focus on. I never took any art classes except the mandatory one, even though I loved them. My Dad especially wanted my brother and I to go to university, like he did. Boy was he disappointed when I went to college to be a Child and Youth Worker, and more disappointed when I dropped out of college. The coup de gras was when my brother dropped out of university. No university graduates in his family.

During my first year of Child and Youth worker at Humber I was going through some personal stuff, it was also when I first met Rock. After a series of events I decided to take a year off school and refocus myself and figure out what I wanted to do.

In that year off Rock’s mom advised us that instead of renting we should look into buying a condo as the condo market was hot. We were able to get a good deal pre-construction and so now my returning back to school was put on the back burner; we now had a mortgage to pay for.

We got married and started the journey to have kids, when it wasn’t happening I came up with a plan to go back to school and still work full time. I was going to apply to George Brown for the Jewellery Design program. I made it through the interview process but when it was time to put my application in I found out I was pregnant with Monkey, and then came Muffin and lastly Tutu. My dreams of going back to school were once again put on the back burner.

A side note here, I feel like I am rambling but I feel it`s important to share my story. I have learned so much from others sharing their stories and it is also part of being authentic in my posts. Now back to the regular scheduled rambled blog post.

So now here I am 8 years later still not knowing what I want to be when I grow up (side note I also am wondering when I’m going to feel like a grown up, right now I still feel like I am faking it). I do know I want to do something creative, I know I want to work with my hands, I do know I like to work on a variety of tasks. I like planning and organizing, I like analyzing stats. I anyone has an idea of what a good career for me would be that would be great. Right now I can’t seem to see past call centre and administration. I can tell you I DO NOT want to do that when I grow up. Heck, I don’t want to do that right now anymore but I have a family to help support. I need to figure out what different types of careers are out there and how to transfer my skills that I have acquired. I know they are transferable but I just can’t see the logistics right now.

Things I am going to do right now are to stick with my day job, I hate it but it does have some perks like being close to home and working with Rock. Plus it’s easier to deal with the devil you know, than the devil you don’t. I will continue to blog and refine my blogging style and voice. I will start up an Etsy store and work towards my goal.

Now I have done a TON of research (research is my security blanket, the more knowledge I have the better I feel). I have read both sides of the debate of following your dreams and making a living from it.  I have decided after months (ok more like over a year) of research that I am done with reading and research, that I am going to trust my gut and follow my intuition.

I do have a couple of different ideas of where I want to be and what I want to do but for now I will take small calculated risks while having the safety net of a full time job (even one that makes me unhappy. Then I can figure out if I am cut out for self-employment, figure out the business ins and out.

I am finally taking baby steps to work towards this dream. I have started making my first products to stock in my store. I will be setting up an Etsy store shortly and I will share with you when I get it set up.

 The bow I'm starting to make

I did have a hard time narrowing down what I want to sell but for now I will stick to my crocheted bows and bow ties, my crocheted hats and fabric flower headbands. I’m sure this will evolve as I get more into things but I wanted to keep things simple to start.

So now I have made myself accountable to you that I will do this. I don’t have a date yet but I hope to do it by October, in time for the Holiday season. I have to get a bit of stock set up and figure the logistics of names and such.

I am scared but also excited as to what can come out of this. I hope you stick around and see where this journey takes me. And if you are sharing a similar journey with me, drop me a line and maybe we can cheerlead each other, keep each other accountable and help each other out.

Scared and exited,

Ania

Fighting Past the Fear

I wrote this yesterday and fear from sharing so much of me preventing me from posting this but yet another post on fear and taking  a leap of faith prompted me to post this.  

I am in a horrible mood today. I am pissy, snapping at other, I am not happy. I think I am reacting this way because the universe if giving me some signs and I'm at the point whine I need to shut up,  listen and act. But the mere thought of taking a leap of faith, fighting past the fear, silencing voices makes me feel uneasy, I feel physically ill. I am not  a nice person t be around.

 

Fear is my biggest hurdle and in the past few days I've had blog posts literally show up in my in-box about it (here and here). It's time for me to make a stand against my fear.

 

Maybe then I won't be such a grumpy grouch anymore.

 

As I am writing this and reflecting, I  notice that I feel a bit better, I need to remember that the act of putting pen to paper frees the soul It allows me to release the energy, the burdens I carry so that I can feel better, lighter.

 

It's not to say it makes it all go away but it allows me to release the hold the thoughts have on me.

 

Also writing it out before I type it, allows me to be freer with my words, my thoughts. When I do type it out I can edit the details I wish to remain private.

 

This is an act I need to start doing again daily, a cleansing of my soul.

 

Do you journal when you are in a bad mood? Does it help you lessen the burden? Do it help free your soul? Does it make you feel better, lighter?

 

 Ania

Quashing Voices

As you noticed, the mood of my blog has changed recently as I've become more reflective and am sharing my process with you. My last few posts were about me wanted to be a better person and reach my potential. That is all well and good an lofty goals, but how can I become a better person if I am not content with who I am. And if I am not content with who I am then what do I need to work on to get me to that place. I need to take stock and make a mental inventory of all the things me, the good and the bad. Figure out what I like and what I don't and improve upon that.   I think overall things are pretty good but I do have some major demons and voices I need to overcome.  The biggest are the ones I've mentioned before which is the "I'm not good enough" voice.  I really must find a way to shut the girl up because logically I know it's not true, when I have people asking me when am I going to start selling my creations so they can buy them. But when it comes to the voices, logic has no say.  It's funny how irrational we can be when emotions and heart are involved.  Do you have any voices or demons preventing you from taking action or loving yourself?


Ania

Mid-Life Crisis?

People tend to call it a mid-life crisis when you start to re-evaluate yourself once you get older. I mean you should have done your experimentation and exploring when you were young. Now that you are an adult and have established life you have no business doing that, heaven forbid we grow as people.

In 9 days I will be turning 35, not quite mid-life but getting up there.  I have been taking this milestone birthday as an opportunity to take stock of my life. What I have accomplished, what I still want to accomplish, review my dreams, see what's relevant now and what's not.  See if I am on the course I am meant to be.

I was talking to my friend's husband in the fall, he had just gotten a motorcycle. Something that he had wanted for a long time but it wasn't until now that he was able to get it, between life circumstances and finances.  On the surface it looks like he is having a mid-life crisis. He is getting older and he got this to make him feel young again.  First off why is it a bad thing if we are trying to make ourselves feel young and alive? But second if this is something that he has been wanting for a long time, then why is it assumed that it's a crisis. At this point in his life, he had the means to follow his dream and the courage to not care what others thought of him. I wonder if the reason people talk is because of their own insecurities. That they are jealous because they don't have the courage to take the same actions. Take actions to follow their dreams even if it goes against "what we should do"

I applaud my friend's husband because he had that courage.  I am at that point as well. I have always wanted a tattoo, I've wanted one since I was at that rebellious age but never got one because I didn't want to rock the boat. I was a good girl, good girls don't do that.  Rock talked me out of it, my FIL talked me out of it (he had a few tattoos that he regretted getting) and yet I still wanted it.  I didn't want to get a tattoo to share with the world, I wanted one for me.

Yes, over the years what I wanted has change but not to location and not the want of one.  I would like to get a tattoo on my upper thigh, so it would only be visible when I wear a bathing suit. I want to get a tattoo that represents my children. I want to do a tree of life, that has 3 stars hanging down representing my children.  I originally was going to get one for my 33rd birthday but then I was pregnant so I thought I would do it for my 35th once I knew my children and could incorporate them. 

I am hoping that I will be able to do it in the next coming months. I am torn because I want to get the tattoo but I also want to get some art supplies in a few weeks at the Creative Festival.  We will see which decision wins out in the coming weeks.

Over the past few months I have been making slow changes in my life.  And I can see how people think that they are in response to a mid-life crisis but to me they are not. To me they are choices made by a mature individual who no longer fears what others think of her. So what that I'm 34 and have pink in my hair. It's just hair, it doesn't mean I am less capable of doing my job. If hair colour made that difference then we would all colour our hair the same colour and be equally as compliant. That is not the case.   I am now doing things that I didn't have courage to do when I was suppose to rebel.  I like my pink hair, it makes me happy.  It reflects my fun personality. Judge me not by how I look but by who I am, and the actions I take.

Slowly I am letting go of the me I'm suppose to be, the me who isn't happy and becoming the woman I am suppose to become.  I am still figuring out who I am. I always thought at this point in my life I would have it all together. I would know who I am, what I want to be, what direction to take in life. I know none of that. I am in the processes of rediscovering myself after a few hard years. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

I originally went to school to be a Child and Youth Worker (something I think I would still be good at and enjoy) but I took a year off of school to figure out what I want to do. In that year off we bought a condo and I started working, 15 years later I am still working for that same company. I was going to go back to school to be a jewellery designer, I got into the program but got pregnant with Monkey and that dream was put aside.

I am at the point were I need to take stock at all the things I am good at, all the things I enjoy and cross reference them with jobs that are out there so that I can make a choice and do something that a) makes me happy b) challenges me c) makes a difference and d) allows me to provide for my family in the lifestyle we are accustomed to or even better.

I wish there was a magic wand or a magical person out there that does that hard work for you but there isn't.  I am working on it, I am also working on silencing the voices in my head that tell me I am not good enough, they ask me who I think I am to take these chances.  I will try and silence them and take some leas of faith over the next few months to get closer to some of my dreams. I may fail, I may succeed but if I don't take action I can do neither. It's ok to fail, it's ok to succeed part of the journey is taking the chance. 

It feels like 35 is going to be a big year for me.  I can feel the change in the air.  Who knows where I will end up a year from now, but I hope I have moved forward to a different place. Here's to taking chances and to "growing up".

Ania