Ok I’m
starting this pen to paper because ideas seem to flow more easily here. When I
type it out on the computer, I feel like I need to be perfect right off the
bat, I edit as I go and I am less likely to edit my ideas and content when
I do it that way. I just relay on spell check for spelling and grammar (areas
which I suck in and truly don’t care about and here is a blog post that
validates my thinking. I love to have my ideas validated by others. I am by no
means at that calibre of writing but it still feels good to be validated. For those that don’t wish to click the link,
she talks about content and ideas being more important the spelling, grammar
and typos; that those things don’t make you any less intelligent. Sorry to
all my friends who are hung up on that, you clearly know that I am not and
sorry if I drive you crazy).
Ok so
I’m writing this because I’ve come to some realizations and insights. If
you have been flowing along with me, you can see I have been undergoing
some personal transformations; I am in self-discovery phase of my journey. I am
not happy with certain aspects of my life (work) and am trying to figure out
what to do about it. At 35 I am still trying to figure out what I
want to be when I grow up.
What?
At 35 I should have this figured out, I should be living that life but
sadly at 35 I am coming into my own and releasing the labels others have put on
me. I am struggling with the role model I am trying to be for my children.
In
high school I took courses my parents told me to. Math and science was
what I was supposed to focus on. I never took any art classes except the mandatory
one, even though I loved them. My Dad especially wanted my brother and I to go
to university, like he did. Boy was he disappointed when I went to college to
be a Child and Youth Worker, and more disappointed when I dropped out of college.
The coup de gras was when my brother dropped out of university. No university
graduates in his family.
During
my first year of Child and Youth worker at Humber I was going through some
personal stuff, it was also when I first met Rock. After a series of events I
decided to take a year off school and refocus myself and figure out what I
wanted to do.
In that
year off Rock’s mom advised us that instead of renting we should look into
buying a condo as the condo market was hot. We were able to get a good deal
pre-construction and so now my returning back to school was put on the back burner;
we now had a mortgage to pay for.
We got
married and started the journey to have kids, when it wasn’t happening I came
up with a plan to go back to school and still work full time. I was going to
apply to George Brown for the Jewellery Design program. I made it through the
interview process but when it was time to put my application in I found out I
was pregnant with Monkey, and then came Muffin and lastly Tutu. My dreams of
going back to school were once again put on the back burner.
A side
note here, I feel like I am rambling but I feel it`s important to share my
story. I have learned so much from others sharing their stories and it is also
part of being authentic in my posts. Now back to the regular scheduled rambled
blog post.
So now
here I am 8 years later still not knowing what I want to be when I grow up
(side note I also am wondering when I’m going to feel like a grown up, right
now I still feel like I am faking it). I do know I want to do something
creative, I know I want to work with my hands, I do know I like to work on a variety
of tasks. I like planning and organizing, I like analyzing stats. I anyone has
an idea of what a good career for me would be that would be great. Right now I can’t
seem to see past call centre and administration. I can tell you I DO NOT want
to do that when I grow up. Heck, I don’t want to do that right now anymore but
I have a family to help support. I need to figure out what different types of
careers are out there and how to transfer my skills that I have acquired. I
know they are transferable but I just can’t see the logistics right now.
Things
I am going to do right now are to stick with my day job, I hate it but it does
have some perks like being close to home and working with Rock. Plus it’s
easier to deal with the devil you know, than the devil you don’t. I will continue
to blog and refine my blogging style and voice. I will start up an Etsy store
and work towards my goal.
Now I
have done a TON of research (research is my security blanket, the more
knowledge I have the better I feel). I have read both sides of the debate of
following your dreams and making a living from it. I have decided after months (ok more like
over a year) of research that I am done with reading and research, that I am going
to trust my gut and follow my intuition.
I do
have a couple of different ideas of where I want to be and what I want to do
but for now I will take small calculated risks while having the safety net of a
full time job (even one that makes me unhappy. Then I can figure out if I am cut
out for self-employment, figure out the business ins and out.
I am
finally taking baby steps to work towards this dream. I have started making my
first products to stock in my store. I will be setting up an Etsy store shortly
and I will share with you when I get it set up.
The bow I'm starting to make
I did
have a hard time narrowing down what I want to sell but for now I will stick to
my crocheted bows and bow ties, my crocheted hats and fabric flower headbands.
I’m sure this will evolve as I get more into things but I wanted to keep things
simple to start.
So now
I have made myself accountable to you that I will do this. I don’t have a date
yet but I hope to do it by October, in time for the Holiday season. I have to
get a bit of stock set up and figure the logistics of names and such.
I am
scared but also excited as to what can come out of this. I hope you stick
around and see where this journey takes me. And if you are sharing a similar
journey with me, drop me a line and maybe we can cheerlead each other, keep each
other accountable and help each other out.
Scared
and exited,
Ania
