Something
was said to me years ago, it may have been an innocent comment, it may
have been calculate but let me tell you the comment has been sitting
with me for years,
it has affect my life. I gave power to some simple words and allowed them to rule my life.
Years ago someone I once knew told me I was selfish and self-centre.
Now at the time I was going through some issues and I was using the person as a sounding board.
I was trying to find a way out of my situation, maybe at that moment I was being all that but that is not my nature.
I took those comments to heart and became hyper conscious of my
interactions with others. I became guarded and started not to let people
into my life (I have since let a few friends in) but it’s easier to
only deal with and depend on yourself then get
hurt by others.
I
could say that I am mad and upset at the person who said this and for
years this would have been the case if you asked me (but why would you
since no one knew what my inner
turmoil was) but that isn’t the case now.
I am now upset at myself because I gave those words and that person the POWER to affect me.
I knew deep down that it wasn’t true but sometimes we give too much power to others and not enough trust in ourselves.
I
am now in the process of breaking down old thoughts and beliefs taking
away power from other people and giving it back to myself.
I know it’s not going to be easy, I know I will slip up along the
way but I am giving myself a disservice if I don’t do this. I am also
not being a good role model to my children if I don’t do this.
Saturday night I wrote a journal entry
“
I am feeling fragile today. I am feeling ready to break free of this
box I am trapped in. I am ready to try and break through and break free
of old thought patterns and
beliefs. I am ready to start living my life as I am destined to. I am
ready to become something more than I am. I am ready to make some
changes. I am ready to tell the voices in my head to take a hike. I am
good enough; I am talented, people like me. I don’t
need to be sheltered; I don’t need to follow old patterns. I don’t need
to believe things that were said of me in the past, they weren’t true
then, they aren’t true no. The only person who hurt me, who stood in my
way was me. I gave that person, that thought,
that belief power because I believed it. I gave it strength, the more I
thought about it the more power I gave it. The more truth it held. I
make it a self-fulfilling prophecy. If it was my daughter, my friend in
that spot I would not let them get tot his
point. But for me I believe it to be true.
Sometimes we are our own worst enemies. I am my
own worst enemy. How can I become the person I am meant to be, the
person capable of BIG things, if I get in my own way? I am going to take
the leap of faith; I am going
to make changes. I just hope as per usual I don’t talk myself out of
it. I always have the greatest intentions but then I fall in the old,
familiar thought pattern. Wish me luck”
I was in a bit of a mood, Saturday night before and after I wrote this. Rock and I spent some time talking about it and the
situation that lead me into this mood. Rock was
on my case to stop talking, stop researching, stop making plans and take
action. He told me I have great ideas and great intentions but it is
time for action. I need to
get out of my funk, out of my head and start doing. I have been whining
for a while that I need something to break me free and some time to
myself. Because I am not doing that I am not getting out of my mood.
I guess I need to go back to my theme for 2012 CREATE, and create some time for myself to work on the stronger more balanced me.
Ania
1 comment:
You inspire me! I'm so excited about everything you wrote. I've been thinking about this all week, how so much of what I've defined myself by is just random! So glad your man is encouraging you to live all that you are dreaming. I'm in the boat with you, I have ideas, but action is difficult! Here's to both of us breaking free of that. Hugs, my friend!
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