I can't believe how time has flown, that 7 years have passed since I gave birth to my sweet girl. I t seems like only yesterday I was holding her, examining every inch of her and not believing that this perfect child was mine. That the months of trying to conceive and finding out we had fertility issues would all be worth it to hold this perfect being in my arms.
We had a rough start, the morning sickness, the spotting and what they kept referring to a threatened miscarriage. Spending the first few weeks of pregnancy going for ultrasounds and blood work to make sure everything was OK. Then we hit the second trimester and everything was great only to hit the 3rd trimester and not wanting to wait to meet my little girl. Being the planner I am we had to find out the sex of the baby so I could plan, organize and shop.
2 weeks of pre-labour really wore me down, the Dr following my pregnancy was a resident and was learning about this process as much as I was. I was encourage to walk to bring on labour, it didn't bring it on and only tired me out. Finally one day at home on bed rest (increased blood pressure), I fell down the stairs of our new house and started to leak. Because she thought my membranes had ruptured and my pre-labour I was induced. My membranes were ruptured and I was put on pitocin. It was an awful experience, I was stuck to the monitors because of the induction and stuck on the bed because they kept losing the heartbeat when I was on all fours (the most comfortable position to labour in when having back labour). My birth plan of having a natural birth flew out the window. Once the epidural kicked in I tried to sleep until they pronounced it was time to push. They had started cutting back the epidural around 6:30am and I started to push around 8:30. We called both sets of parents around 6:30 to be there for the birth. Giving birth downtown Toronto on a Wednesday morning during rush hour means not everyone makes it on time.
I pushed for about 20 minutes. They tried to get me to do practice pushes and they told me when to push. I asked them to let me try it when I felt ready. When I was ready I did. Looking back now 7 years later, they really don't have much faith in woman listening to their bodies and doing what feels best. I remember them yelling at me to pusher harder and it reminded me of the women you see on TV at curling matches. Hurry, hard, sweep. I made that joke and about 5 minuter later I reached down to pull my baby girl out and placed her on my belly. Apparently on her decent she passed her first meconium, and she had some fluid on her lungs. They kept her with me for as long as possible hoping that it would get her to regulate her breathing but when it was clear she needed help the whisked her away. I didn't get a chance to meet her properly.
I spent a lot of time in NICU, watching her through the incubator They joked that she was a giant baby, as they are used to premies. Since I didn't have a chance to breastfeed I asked for a lactation consultant visit with me and if I could get a pump so I could start stimulating my milk to come in. I asked from first thing in the morning, a lactation consultant never came and the pump was given to me at night. Thank God I was determined to breastfeed because there was a lot of barriers those first 2 days of Monkey's life.
The moment when I got to hold me girl was bittersweet, I was excited to hold her but I also had to be careful because she was covered in tubes to help her. Slowly family came around to meet her and hold her. When I was able to nurse her was such a great moment, the nurses tried to ruin it but I will remember that special bond we created.
The first ride home was stressful because of course it took place on a Friday night in December in rush hour traffic. We made it home safe and sound and started to adjust to life with a little one. It looks like a version of my birth story, I need to find my birth story to see how I see things differently 7 years later.
I love being a mother, it completes me. I think there is no greater thing then being a mother. It took me a while to stop listening to others and do what came natural to me. I read a lot of books and search on-line for help, I was overjoyed when I found a name for my style of parenting. Attachment parenting, i know some people thought I was doing what I was doing because of what I read but it only validated what felt right to me. It was very close to the way I was raised with some minor tweaks.
Over the years Monkey has made me so proud, she is turning into such a lovely young lady. I can't believe how fast she is growing, both physically, emotionally and mentally. Sometimes she is wiser then her years. I try my best to do the best for them, I hope they know that. I sometimes feel like I am failing her when it comes to her issues at school but I am doing the best I can and I hope she is too.
I love you so very much my 7 year old girl, I can't wait to see what future birthdays bring.
Ania
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